Recently, I saw the recently released movie, Cocktail. The plot revolves around a philanderer hero who has to make the tough choice between two hot women. The uber-modern movie was set in London. The characters drank, danced in nightclubs and had one-night stands with aplomb. They worked in new-age aspirational jobs like glamour photography, graphic art and software design. And yet, the guy eventually chooses the girl who cooks home food, dresses conservatively, wins his mother’s approval and is happy to be the ideal Indian wife. In fact, even the rejected girl, a free-spirited, independent woman agrees to change herself. To get the guy, she is happy to cook and change her lifestyle to match that of the ideal Indian wife. While the movie was fun, such depictions disturb me a little. When successful, strong women are portrayed as finding salvation in making dal and roti for their husbands, one wonders what kind of India we are presenting to our little girls.
Really, is that what a woman’s life is all about — to make hot phulkas? Of course, i shouldn’t be so bothered, many would say. It is a Bollywood movie. The commercial pressure to present a palatable story is real. Above all, the makers have a right to tell the narrative they want.
Yet, when our most modern and forward cinema sinks into regressive territory, it is unfair to our women. It is also depressing because deep down we know such attitudes exist. Many Indian men, even the educated ones, have two distinct profiles of women — the girlfriend material and the wife material. One you party with, the other you take home. The prejudice against non-traditional women who assert themselves is strong.
Let us look at another part of the world. Yahoo, a leading tech firm and a Fortune 500 company, recently hired a new woman CEO, Marissa Mayer. What’s more, she was six months pregnant when she was hired, a fact she did not hide in her interviews.
Marissa will take some time off after childbirth and will be back at work later. She can manage both. There is something to celebrate about that. Marissa is a role model for women and even men.
I’d like Indian men to have an open mind about choosing their life partners and revise their ‘ideal woman’ criteria. Having a traditional wife who cooks, cleans and is submissive might be nice. However, choosing a capable, independent and career-oriented woman can also bring enormous benefits. For instance, one, a man who marries a career woman gets a partner to discuss his own career with. A working woman may be able to relate better to organizational issues than a housewife. A spouse who understands office politics and can give you good advice can be an asset. Two, a working woman diversifies the family income streams. In the era of expensive apartments and frequent lay-offs, a working spouse can help you afford a decent house and feel more secure about finances. Three, a working woman is better exposed to the world. She brings back knowledge and information that can be useful to the family. Whether it's the latest deals or the best mutual fund to invest in, or even new holiday destinations, a working woman can add to the quality of life. Four, the children of a working woman learn to be more independent and will do better than mollycoddled children. Five, working women often find some fulfillment in their jobs, apart from home. Hence, they may have better life satisfaction, and feel less dependent on the man. This in turn can lead to more harmony. Of course, all these benefits accrue if men are able to keep their massive, fragile egos aside and see women as equals.
Sure, there are drawbacks also in being with working women. But the modern age that we are in, the phulka-making bride may come at a cost of missing out on other qualities. Please bear that in mind before you judge women based on their clothes, interest in the kitchen or the confidence in their voice.
My mother worked for 40 years. My wife is the COO at an international bank. It makes me proud. She doesn’t make phulkas for me. We outsource that work to our help, and it doesn’t really bother me. If my wife had spent her life in the kitchen, it would have bothered me more.
Please choose your partner carefully. Don’t just tolerate, but accept and even celebrate our successful women. They take our homes ahead and our country forward. We may have less hot phulkas, but we will have a better nation.
Happy Women’s Day! A lot is said on how men should change for us to respect our women better. Here are some: Men need to see women as people, not objects. Men should realize and truly believe women are as talented, capable as men, and sometimes even more so. Men should not discriminate in the work place or at home. Men have to respect boundaries and make sure their words to not make women feel uncomfortable. Men have to respect women’s choices – in what they wear, where they want to go and at what time. Men should never use force or intimidation towards women.
Yes, we men have to learn. However, the stubborn, fragile and pampered Indian male ego is a tough nut to crack. Collectively, we as Indian men, have a long way to go before our women can be proud of us. We will. At least the process has started.
But in all this well deserved male-bashing, I hope the ladies do not miss out on another set of changes required, on themselves. Yes, for all the talk of women being denied their proper place in society, ladies need to do some self-reflection too.
Hence, on this Women’s day, I shall attempt the unthinkable. As a man, I will venture out and give women advice, on women’s day. That alone is reason enough for me to be bashed to bits. However, every now and then, we men are prone to risk-taking behaviour. So forgive me, for I have dared.
Anyway, here goes. Five things I feel women need to change about themselves, to make things better for their own kind.
The first behaviour that needs to end is the constant desire to judge other women. Women are hard on themselves. They are harder on each other. An overweight woman enters the room. Most women are thinking ‘how fat is she?’ A working mother misses a PTA meeting due to an office deadline, others think ‘what a terrible mother she is’. A girl in a short skirt makes other women go ‘Slut!’ in their heads. A pretty woman’s promotion makes other women wonder what she had been up to to get the job. From an ill-fitting dress to a badly cooked dish, you are ready to judge others. This, despite knowing, you yourselves are not perfect. As a woman, it is tough enough is to survive in a male dominated world. Why be so hard on each other? Can you let each other breathe?
Second, the faking needs to end. A common female trait is the relatively quick adaptation to feed male egos. Laughing at men’s jokes when they aren’t funny, accepting a raw deal in an office assignment or playing dumb to allow a man to feel superior are just a few occasions when you do your own kind no favor. Who are you? And why can’t you be that person? Why are you faking it so much? If something bothers you, say it. What’s the point of collectively harping on equality, when as individuals, you are happy to lapse into being clueless eye flutterers, just to keep men happy?
Three, and this is serious, standing up for your property rights. Plenty of Indian women give up their lawful property rights for their brothers, sons or husbands. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but too many Indian women are emotional fools and need to be told so. You are not demonstrating your eternal selflessness when you give away your property. You are hurting your own kind.
Four, women need to become more ambitious and dream bigger. All young Indians – men and women, should have a fire in their belly. Perhaps the way the Indian society is structured, our women are not encouraged to be as ambitious as men. However, for their own sake and the nation’s sake, all Indian youth must have ambitions and aspirations to do well and reach their maximum potential in life. Many Indian women have done much better than men. Use them as inspiration and work towards your dreams. Your success is what will finally make Indian men respect women. Play your part.
Five, don’t be too trapped in the drama of relationships. Relationships are vital. Being a good mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend and lover are extremely important. However, don’t get too tangled. You have another relationship, with yourself. Don’t sacrifice so much that you lose yourself. Not regularly, but just every now and then, be a little selfish. It is when a woman will assert herself she will be taken seriously. You are not only here to assist others in living their lives. You have your own life too.
I will end here. Hope you will see the point and intention behind what I am talking about. If not, then I am in big trouble. And there’s no recourse to a men’s day to save me either.
The rise of internet and social media has led to a strange new discovery in India. It is the strong and distinctive presence of a cyber species often referred to as ‘bhakts’. The term is used to refer to owners of right wing user accounts who tend to be aggressive fans of all things Hindu.
Politically they often lend their support to BJP, seen as a somewhat pro-Hindu organisation. They are extremely protective of Prime Minister Narendra Modi. They also like old Hindu kings and conspiracy theories about how Hindus were shortchanged in the past – they often swap such stories online.
These true bhakts would have been an interesting anthropological phenomenon, had they not been causing distress from time to time on Twitter. A few years ago, Sagarika Ghose coined the term Internet Hindus when they attacked her. Just a couple of weeks back, members of the true bhakt species attacked outspoken women on Twitter who didn’t think much about the rather sweet and harmless ‘selfie with daughter’ campaign that was backed by the PM.
So who are these true bhakts? What drives them? And what can we – and more important, they – do to calm them down? For this, it is important to understand them.
One, these true bhakts are not just Hindu fanatics. They are not all VHP members. Some of them don’t even identify with the Hindu cause, they call themselves nationalists instead. Their stated aim, if you are to believe them, is nation building and winning back for India its lost glory.
In reality, they are neither Hindu warriors nor nationalists. Typically, and at the cost of stereotyping, true bhakts have the following four traits in common. First, they are almost all male. Second, they have weak communication skills, particularly in English. This in turn leads to a bit of an inferiority complex, of not being cool or sophisticated enough in a fast changing, globalising world.
Third, they are generally not good at talking to women. As a result they are unlikely to know how to behave with them or woo them. They do desire women, but can’t get them. In other words, if i may say so, they are sexually frustrated with no way of getting it.
Fourth, there is an over-riding sense of shame about being Hindu, Hindi speaking and/ or Indian. Deep down they know that Hindi-speaking Hindus are among India’s poorest. They also know that India is a third world country with third rate infrastructure and few achievements on the world stage in science, sports, defence or creativity.
To hide this shame, they over-compensate in terms of chest-beating nationalism. Also, to them, BJP leaders and Modi in particular represent the highest aspirational figures. Modi is unabashedly from the Hindi/ Hindu/ modest-means background and represents the best people like them can be.
Modi’s success gives true bhakts a genuine reason to rejoice and feel that they have a place at the top. Hence, protecting him is vital. Therefore, you have seen true bhakts defending Modi’s silence on various scams and vigorously attacking anyone questioning the PM. Objectivity is lost when the person they are trying to protect and worship is seen as an idealisation of their own kind.
Hence, an inferiority complex ridden Indian male who is sexually frustrated, ashamed of his background and has poor ability in English is vulnerable to transforming into a true bhakt. And that’s why confident, English-speaking women who oppose Modi hit a raw nerve on all counts and get the worst of the true bhakt treatment.
Since social media allows anonymity, their anger expresses itself as the worst personal abuse. Note that BJP never invited these true bhakts to worship them. In fact the PM had to tell them off, as even he seems to have had enough of their hyper-aggressive bhakti.
Of course, at the end of the day, easy votes are welcome and BJP doesn’t mind them. However, BJP must distance itself from this unrestrained testosterone. What seems like support starts to look unsavoury pretty soon and cements the hard line image of the party. Ultimately, the Indian voter will get scared and go back to its default party – Congress. There’s a reason Congress ruled for 60 years and BJP has just about crossed six.
Meanwhile what can we do? The best strategy is to not take true bhakts too seriously. Of course, it is difficult to ignore personal abuse. But try to understand their motivations. They are not Modi bhakts; they are simply Frustrated And Complex-ridden Indian Males (FACIMs, pronounced fai-kims, not to be confused with the curse word you may want to use on them). Of course FACIM doesn’t have the same ring to it as bhakt, but it is a more accurate descriptor.
To FACIMs themselves i would only like to say this. Smarten up, learn English and practise it. Make some female friends and ask their advice on how to talk to a girl. When confident, try to ask someone out and date her like a gentleman. Who knows, you may get lucky soon. Once you do, trust me, you will have better things to do than abuse on Twitter. Good luck!
Recently, Chetan Bhagat wrote a piece that's being touted as a high form of empowering feminist literature. However, as an ardent feminist, I felt the need to break down his spiel, piece by piece, and expose it for the sexism-steeped ball of condescension it actually is. I can only hope other women (feminist men and women in general, really) see my point of view by the end of this rant.
"Alright, this is not cool at all. A recent survey by Nielsen has revealed that Indian women are the most stressed out in the world: 87% of our women feel stressed out most of the time. This statistic alone has caused me to stress out. Even in workaholic America, only 53% women feel stressed.
Really, Chetan? Not cool? I'm so terribly sorry you're stressed that I'm stressed. That makes everything much better. Now that YOU'RE stressed, this statistic actually matters. Interesting, also, how your knowledge of labour laws in this country (far less people-serving than union-run USA) doesn't help you get a handle on how—when a country can replace you with 300 people waiting to do your job cheaper and faster—the stress levels are likely to be far more than in one where the concept of specialisation—and overtime—exist.
"What are we doing to our women? I'm biased, but Indian women are the most beautiful in the world. As mothers, sisters, daughters, colleagues, wives and girlfriends - we love them."
As long as we're all easy on the eye, AmIRite, ladiezzz?
"Can you imagine life without the ladies?"
Hell, no! Who would dance in the item numbers and get whistled at at bus stops? Plus, where would dinner come from?
"For now, I want to give Indian women five suggestions to reduce their stress levels."
Oh. My. God. You condescending p#!@k. The very fact that you think Indian women are gasping for your suggestions on how to fix our lives and reduce our stress levels (a subject on which I'm SURE you've recently pronounced yourself an expert, as you have in the past with Indian politics and reality show dancing) is the most stress-inducing, *sshole-esque thing you could say.
"One, don't ever think you are without power. Give it back to that mother-in-law. Be who you are, not someone she wished you would be. She doesn't like you? That's her problem."
Right. Because, outside of my mother-in-law not liking me, there's little that could be troubling my pretty little head. You may say you're only working with a single example (and that I ought not to generalise, like a silly woman), but I love the fact that that's the example you went with. To quote Ronan Keating, "You say it best when you say nothing at all."
"Two, if you are doing a good job at work and your boss doesn't value you—tell him that, or quit. Talented, hard-working people are much in demand."
What a gloriously, over-simplified view of how the world works—free of responsibility, insecurity, and risk. Not everyone has this degree of nauseating overconfidence, I'm afraid, Chetan. I won't even get into the assumption that my boss is a 'him'–but heck, we're just a bunch of beautiful, mother-in-law servicing units, aren't we?
"Three, educate yourself, learn skills, network - figure out ways to be economically independent. So next time your husband tells you that you are not a good enough wife, mother or daughter-in-law, you can tell him to take a hike."
There's a running thread in your words, Chetan. You're not only speaking to a wedded woman at all times, you're speaking to her from the perspective of her service value. You speak as though my roles of being a mother, or wife, or daughter-in-law define me. Not once does my being a 'woman' come into it, really—a fact, which, if you understood us at all, you'd realise supersedes all that. Besides, talk to me from a pedestal is still talking down, however helpful you may've convinced yourself you're being.
"Four, do not ever feel stressed about having a dual responsibility of family and work. It is difficult, but not impossible. The trick is not to expect an A+ in every aspect of your life. You are not taking an exam, and you frankly can't score cent per cent (unless you are in SRCC, of course). It is okay if you don't make four dishes for lunch, one can fill their stomach with one. It is okay if you don't work until midnight and don't get a promotion. Nobody remembers their job designation on their dying day."
The sad thing is, I actually think he thinks he's on our side. However, his sexism is so nuanced and seeps into every pore of this letter, it's inevitably offensive to any woman who knows it's not our job to put any dishes on the table for dinner—that's bloody conditioning that a large segment of Indian men still can't shake—and that it's our prerogative to want an A+ in anything we choose to do. That, to be legitimately thought of as equal, we'd split making dinner with our husbands, as well as juggle the days either of us works till midnight. That is, if we choose to get married at all.
"Five, most important, don't get competitive with other women. Someone will make a better scrapbook for her school project than you. Another will lose more weight with a better diet. Your neighbor may make a six-dabba tiffin for her husband, you don't—big deal? Do your best, but don't keep looking out for the report card, and definitely don't expect to top the class. There is no ideal woman in this world, and if you strive to become one, there will be only one thing you will achieve for certain - stress."
Sigh. A simple 'there's no ideal person' could've fixed this verbal tragedy. The fact that you keep repeating that I don't need to succeed, to be promoted, to top the class or get As is you asking me to lower the bar for myself. Telling me that aiming to be the best I can be will have only one result—stress—is you essentially slapping my fight against a patriarchal world in the face. 'Stress' be damned.
"So breathe, chill, relax. Tell yourself you are beautiful, do your best and deserve a peaceful life. Anybody trying to take that away from you is making a mistake, not you. Your purpose of coming to this earth is not to please everyone. Your purpose is to offer what you have to the world, and have a good life in return. The next time this survey comes, I don't want to see Indian women on top of the list. I want them to be the happiest women in the world. Now smile, before your mother-in-law shouts at you for wasting your time reading this article."
The pompous-ness of this last paragraph is fairly self-explanatory. Number one, again, I don't appreciate being spoken to like a sullen child who's stolen a biscuit. "I don't want to see this behaviour" is downright demeaning—regardless of what spirit you mean it in. Empowering me by speaking to me like you're two seconds away from ruffling my hair and sending me onto the playground is something no woman is bound to appreciate.
Also, go ahead. Tell me to worry about pleasing my mother-in-law one more time.
How to explain the bestselling author’s diatribe against the very people who could be his primary readers?
scroll.in
Never underestimate the intent of Chetan Bhagat’s pronouncements or dismiss them as mindless. The man who has shown India how to write to a market and be outrageously successful knows his customers better than most people do.
Whatever the mega-bestselling author of the number series of novels (Five Point Someone, One Night…, Two States…, etc.) writes in his columns, therefore, can be assumed to have an objective. They are not just expessions of hubris from a successful public figure with, possibly, political aspirations in the future.
On the contrary, there is always method in what appears to be the madness. But what, in this case, could his objectives possibly be? On the face of it, is he not taking the sword of contempt to the very audience that laps up his books?
Abusing his audience?
After all, “an inferiority complex ridden Indian male who is sexually frustrated, ashamed of his background and has poor ability in English” seems to almost perfectly describe the primary male hero in each of his novels, except that his portraits are sympathetic rather than derisive. And his millions of readers identify so strongly with these characters that they breathlessly read the stories of their eventual triumph, represented in the form of that pair of trophies identified pithily by Bhagat himself earlier: naukri and chhokri.
So, why would Bhagat risk alienating potential readers? We don’t know, but we can guess. Whether through market research or native intuition, Bhagat has a remarkable insight into the personalities and emotional needs of a large swathe of young Indians, which he channels with broad strokes into his novels. If he is turning against the bhakts – or FACIMs, as he calls them, using an unattractive acronym for Frustrated And Complex-ridden Indian Males – it is because he deliberately wants to distance himself from them.
And the reason could be simple: he is ensuring he remains on the side of the growing segment of young India that does not identify itself with the abusive intolerance spouted by these self-proclaimed nationalists and champions of the Hindu faith. As in any other country passing through economic liberalisation, social and personal change have lagged behind financial change, but it is catching up now.
As a result, the upwardly mobile – in aspirations more than accomplishments, in dreams more than reality – young men and women whom Bhagat targets may well wonder whether their favourite writer is sympathetic with the right-wing mob, given his own clearly stated preference for the right-wing brand of politics. Now, this aggressive attack – typical of the writer’s style, really – will assuage their fears.
Mollifying the women's constituency
It’s not just the men. Bhagat is probably being particularly careful in protecting his constituency of women readers, for the objects of his attacks have painted themselves in a starkly misogynistic light on social media. And the writer in Bhagat knows only too well that he cannot afford to make an enemy of women. At least, of those of them who swear by his books.
Don’t forget, the women characters in Bhagat’s novels are superficially quite unlike the bhakts: they come from privileged backgrounds, are fluent (stretching a point) in English, and very clear about their sexual choices. Sure, peel off the skin and you will find the same orthodoxy and acknowledgement to patriarchy, but then Bhagat, like Indian TV soaps, is a purveyor of wish-fulfilment drama, not a change agent. Nor, importantly, are his readers.
What does all this tell us about his next novel, then? Continuing with the speculation, the forces represented by uncouth voices could appear in the plot as something that the hero must encounter and overcome. Bhagat has written about riot mobs before, and not in a positive vein. If he senses a growing antipathy to the tribe of people he has attacked, he may well want to capitalise on it in his fiction. Don’t forget, Bhagat rubs shoulders with Bill and Melinda Gates, not with those who label people as haramzaadas.
This is not to rule out a political motive behind Bhagat’s statements. But be sure that he will never say or write anything that will jeopardise his relationship with his current and potential readers. Because, like it or not, Chetan Bhagat has cultivated a way of trendspotting that many writers should be envious of. Just that the trends in question are often more regressive than progressive.
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